Silly: the new stage of grief

I've always been silly. I embrace the silly. I love the silly. For some strange reason the silly is stalking me in my grief. So much so that my husband actually asked me if silly was a stage of grief. It isn't for most people but for me apparently it is. Luckily, all those around me love me enough to suffer the silly and understand that it is some sort of way I am processing this deep ache I feel over losing Evie.

My friend Carrie, (a.k.a. my bff from 4th grade) taught me something about grief recently. Well, first I taught her something and then she taught me something. Her niece had a serious car accident over a year ago that resulted in serious injuries including a traumatic brain injury. I taught her that when my Dad had his hunting accident and suffered a traumatic brain injury we had to grieve the loss of the man he was and our planned future with him. We had to do that be able to be present with the man he has become. The man that God blessed us with. She taught me that this grief process isn't linear. You don't' just get to stage 7 (acceptance) and it is all over. You just kinda cycle through it. Sometimes you skip some stages. Sometimes stages last for days or weeks and sometimes they last for minutes. Sometimes they last for months.

If someone were to ask me directly if I had any denial about my baby dying I would say no. But the reality is that sometimes I realize all over again that losing Evie means I don't get a baby on November 24th. It sounds crazy even to say it out loud but I have had moments when I have realized that there won't be any thanksgiving baby and I break down all over again.    

The question I get ask most frequently is "How are you doing?" I always say...I'm doing ok. Taking it day by day. That is the the truth. Some days I am so sad I can't get out of bed. Other days I seem fine. Even on the ok days I usually cry all the way home from work. If the circumstances are allowing you to ask the question I'm not in my bed so that must mean I'm having an ok day. I know I will get through this. I know that there are going to brighter days.