Friday, November 18, 2011

Glory Baby

I have found that sometimes lyrics say things so much better than I ever could. The lyrics to this song are a perfect example of this.

GLORY BABY by Watermark

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

Monday, November 7, 2011

Silly: the new stage of grief

I've always been silly. I embrace the silly. I love the silly. For some strange reason the silly is stalking me in my grief. So much so that my husband actually asked me if silly was a stage of grief. It isn't for most people but for me apparently it is. Luckily, all those around me love me enough to suffer the silly and understand that it is some sort of way I am processing this deep ache I feel over losing Evie.

My friend Carrie, (a.k.a. my bff from 4th grade) taught me something about grief recently. Well, first I taught her something and then she taught me something. Her niece had a serious car accident over a year ago that resulted in serious injuries including a traumatic brain injury. I taught her that when my Dad had his hunting accident and suffered a traumatic brain injury we had to grieve the loss of the man he was and our planned future with him. We had to do that be able to be present with the man he has become. The man that God blessed us with. She taught me that this grief process isn't linear. You don't' just get to stage 7 (acceptance) and it is all over. You just kinda cycle through it. Sometimes you skip some stages. Sometimes stages last for days or weeks and sometimes they last for minutes. Sometimes they last for months.

If someone were to ask me directly if I had any denial about my baby dying I would say no. But the reality is that sometimes I realize all over again that losing Evie means I don't get a baby on November 24th. It sounds crazy even to say it out loud but I have had moments when I have realized that there won't be any thanksgiving baby and I break down all over again.    

The question I get ask most frequently is "How are you doing?" I always say...I'm doing ok. Taking it day by day. That is the the truth. Some days I am so sad I can't get out of bed. Other days I seem fine. Even on the ok days I usually cry all the way home from work. If the circumstances are allowing you to ask the question I'm not in my bed so that must mean I'm having an ok day. I know I will get through this. I know that there are going to brighter days.