Broken Record

I am so desperately tired. I went to the lady doctor and she upped my meds to help with the hormonal crazy. She told me to go to GP to deal with other issues. I have a new GP. I will call him Dr. Laptop. He is very nice and technologically advanced with his fancy laptop and stylus. He ran some labs and we are waiting on the results to figure out what might be causing the fatigue. I feel about a thousand times better mentally. Not sure if that is the upped meds or some hormonal stability that accompanies this time period in my cycle. Either way I'm grateful for the good mood and positive outlook. Now if can just get some energy things will be all better!

Weight Watcher Wednesday
 I lost 4.5 lbs. I'm slowly making my way back to the lowest weight I attained at WW. I am 8.75 lbs. away. I'm done beating myself up over it. Just focusing on the things I'm doing right. My goal this week is to track everything I eat and to eat 5 servings from the fruit and veggie group daily.

In other news...

This is a conversation I had with Fighter Pilot the other day:

Accentia: Your first bonus spelling word is butterfly. Butterfly is a compound word.

Fighter Pilot: B-U-T-T-E-R (imitating a fly buzzing around our living room) F-L-Y.

A: Great! You second bonus word is insect.

FP: Insect is a compound word too! I-N (pointing between his legs) SEX (literally rolling on the floor laughing)

I had to laugh I couldn't help myself!

I get by with a little help from my friends...and family

Hormones. Man.They.Suck.

I feel so much better today it is ridiculous. I knew hormones were playing a part in what was going on the past two days but I wasn't giving them enough credit. Having said that I am headed to my lady doctor tomorrow to discuss some treatment options. I have pretty bad PMS...might even be PMDD. I discussed this with my lady doctor the last time I saw her and we upped my dosage of my anti-depressant that week to see if that would do the trick. It appears not to be willing to even attempt the trick!

I clearly have had some depression this year that I am not used to experiencing. I seem to be able to tolerate it most days. Other days not so much. I am also going to have her run some thyroid test because my lack of energy has also been overwhelming and I don't' know whether it is related to the depression or the thyroid disorder. We shall see. I was telling Middle Sister that most days I can keep my negative self-talk in check but on bad days it kind of spirals. She said I might want to start by changing my tag line from "doing it wrong since 1976" to something more..I don't know...positive. I took down the negative and am trying to think of something to replace it.

Yesterday my work family, Middle Sister and Sexy pulled me through. I have said a special prayer of thanks to God for them. I am so grateful to have a support system. If your reading this...thank you so much! You will never know how much your kind words helped me in my time of need.

Weight Watchers Update

SURPRISE!!! I lost 2.25lbs this week. I tracked about half the time. I had a miniature Reece cup incident involving plastic eggs and a sever lack of discipline and I made The Pioneer Woman's mashed potatoes for Easter at my Mom's. I've linked the recipe. It is not point friendly. It is however the.best.mashed.potatoes.ever! Sexy peeled 10 lbs. of potatoes. He loves me. I love him. While he was standing over the sink peeling I told him that he had never looked more sexy. Honest!

One interesting thing about the past two days is that I stayed on points (OP). It is usually the first thing to go. I'm glad it didn't work out that way this time. Weight Watchers is having a walking challenge that culminates in walking a 5K on 6/6/10. Middle Sister and I are going to do it together. Hopefully this will help me get back into the moderate activity that really helps me stay on track.

Middle Sister is doing WW online. It has been fun to have that be one more thing we can talk about. She is having success and I am very proud of her. She said something to me last week that really helped. She told me to remember the reason I started all this in the first place. Which is so I can have a baby. It has really helped me to stay focused. Thanks Middle Sister!

 Also I've been getting daily tip of the day via email from PeerTrainer. Great info and it seems like a great program.

Lost

I have a post-it attached to my computer screen that says "Possibly Blog Post" at the top and underneath it is a list of things I want to write about but haven't found the time. On the list is "SAD".

There was a moment in February when I kinda fell apart. I just felt like I couldn't function anymore. I had not felt like myself for a while...probably a month or more but couldn't' figure out the problem. It felt like depression but I had only ever experienced situational depression. I couldn't figure it out. I have a great husband, great children, great job, great life but I could only focus on what was wrong with me and my life. I had put on a mask and most didn't even know that anything was wrong with me. There was a day though in February when I just broke. I couldn't fake it anymore. I consulted my google md and discovered that I might have Seasonal Affective Disorder. It fit all my symptoms. My mother has struggled with this and has one of those special lights she uses in the darker months. I was surprised I hadn't thought of is sooner. I felt so much better just having figured it out. It was almost spring. The time was changing. There would be more sunlight and I would be ok.

I would find my joy again. The joy I have in serving my family. In meal planning, grocery shopping and providing my family with nutritious food. In doing laundry and the bedtime routine. The joy I have in Church activities like Bible Study, Sunday School and helping to plan the community Easter sunrise service. The joy I have in watching my children at batting practice and soccer practice. The joy in my everyday life that had been so abundant in the past but seemed to have disappeared. Making those activities a burden. A chore. A yolk.

I had also had some problems with taking my vitamins and medications regularly. Including my thyroid medicine which probably contributed to lack of energy and my anti-depressant...which I don't know might be contributing the THE FREAKING DEPRESSION. (I am actually prescribed the anti-depressant for anxiety but whatever)

So here we are. It is April. I'm still not myself. I'm still not finding my joy. I still can only see what is wrong. What is wrong with me. What I am doing wrong. All the bad things about myself. I'm trying. I swear I am. I'm trying to see the joy.

In case you were wondering I gained last week. I'll probably gain this week to. This is of course on the list of what is wrong with me.

I was watching Oprah last night and she was talking about "Women, Food and God: An Unexpected Path to almost Everything". She was doing an update on a woman who had been on the show 5 years ago after having lost 150 lbs. She had gained it all back and had lost another 100. She and Oprah were talking about how you have to love yourself and your situation as you are right now. At the weight you are right now. The way you are right now. Otherwise you will just continue to gain the weight back. I'm so far from that place it is hard to even imagine it. 

I'm struggling. I know I will be ok but I could use your prayers right now.

Melting

I have this habit of using a word to describe something that is not entirely accurate and also not a common use of the word but it fits the situation.  This is similar to my habit of breaking into non-specific accents for absolutely no reason. These habits might be the reason my Mom started calling me eccentric at the ripe age of 26. I don't always make these things up...actually I often hear someone say them and just glom onto them and keep them forever.

I've discussed before that if someone in my house has a fever I say they are "on fire". This actually started on a trip to the ER at our local children's hospital where there were several newborns who were so read and feverish they looked like they were on fire.

When children are fit pitching snotty slobbering messes I say they are "melting".

Sassafras melted yesterday after soccer practice. She is 9 so I feel comfortable dropping her off and picking her up when I have things that require my presence at home. Yesterday the soccer field was a wet mess so they did drills in the parking lot. Drills to help them improve on ball handling and endurance. I think there was lots of running and jumping and unlike when they are actually playing soccer there was not much standing around catching your breath. In her defense she has been sick since Friday and I considered keeping her home from practice. I picked her up and she was a hot mess. Her hair was soaking wet and her face was bright red. As soon as she saw me she melted. Just dissolved into a heap of sobs. Once she was able to cool down she told me she was just overly hot and exhausted from the practice. This was my and Sexy's conversation about the whole ordeal.

Accentia: Sassafras was a sobbing mess when I picked her up from soccer practice.

Sexy: What happened?

Accentia: Well she said she was just hot and tired. After I got her calmed down and cooled off I quizzed her to make sure that was it. Did something happen at practice. Did someone do something or say something? Did you get hurt? She maintained that it was just a hot and tired thing *shrugs* (which is completely ineffective to convey anything when you are talking on the phone)

Sexy: She's a cryer

Accentia: I know...I can't relate. 

Of Weight Watchers Updates and Punks

Weight Watchers
I lost 1 1/4 lbs. this week. It was a miracle. I didn't track. Which means I'm not making the best choices. Clearly my choices were not soooo bad but still I'm sure that I could have lost more. I have been tracking online at fatsecret.com. I won a 3 month journal once in a drawing at my WW meeting. I am wondering if I might do better tracking on pencil and paper. I am going to start doing that tomorrow since we will be going camping some over spring break and I won't have internet access. I also know that, depending on the weather, we might be leaving for the woods before my meeting next week. This might also cause a disturbance in the force. I would love it if I missed my meeting, went camping and still lost weight!!!! That is the goal. S'mores are mocking me. I can feel it.

Punks
I call my kids punks. I use it as a term of endearment and of frustration. I can be confusing when I'm raising little human beings. Other times too.

I said of Sassafras on facebook the other day, "I love that punk". A friend was all "what is up with this punk business" and I was like, "hello The Pioneer Woman." Link provided for any of you who have been in a cave (with my friend) and haven't heard me obsess over her blog or her cookbook and then been forced by excessive linkage to actual go to her site and see that she calls her kids punks. She also uses it as a term of endearment and frustration. I heart The Pioneer Woman. She has ignited my passion for cooking.

Anywho, the punks have been particularly adorable lately so I thought that I would share.

Fighter Pilot is seven and starting to get some chores around the house.. beyond keeping his space clean. He now takes the laundry down to the laundry room. The was something I often had both kids do at my convenience but am now officially make it FP's chore. On his first attempt he came up without the empty hampers. He informed me that he was leaving the "hamsters" downstairs for me to empty. I promptly told him that emptying and returning the hampers to there normal resting place is part of his "chore"...welcome to big boy land! Then Sexy and I *rolledonthefloorlaughing* because hampsters...I swear it was funny. Ok, maybe you had to be there. what.ever.

Sassafras was on the phone the other day planning her birthday party. She was on the phone for 30 minuets. The food list included: pizza, chips, ring pops, fun dip, cupcakes, popcorn, skittles, m and m's and an assortment of doughnuts! The activity list includes: wii, ice skating, swimming and watching movies. The guest list included 10 girls. There will be a pairing down. I assure you...but to hear her on the phone was so adorable. My favorite part was this exchange:

Accentia: You might as well plan your breakfast as well (this was before doughnuts was on the list).

Sassafras: Do I have too? (to her friend on the phone) No skittles are fine I was talking to my (wait for it...wait for it) MOM.

People who find out that I am the bonus mom and am called by my first name often tell me that they had no idea I wasn't the bio-mom because the kids both call me "mom" when referencing me. I never get to hear it. It was awesome!

Weight Watchers Wednesday

These post are sooooo much easier when I've lost weight! :) I lost 3.75 lbs this week...woo woo! Most of last week and this week I have been tracking, eating my fruits and veggies, and just generally making better decisions.

I am struggling with the fact that I backtracked so much in February. It makes me want to throw my hands in the air and give up. But I'm not going to. I'm going to stop berating myself for what I did wrong and focus on the present and what I am doing right. Right now I am focusing on getting back down to what I weighed on February 3rd when I made my 10% goal. I've got 12.5 lbs. to go.

For my next trick...

I will distract you from the fact that I am not going to post about Weight Watcher Wednesday (because after all that forgiving and moving on I never got back on track and missed last week due to illness and have now gained even more weight back...like I'm back to a weight I haven't seen since September) by telling you some a cute and funny story about one of my kids.

Fighter Pilot is seven. This was the first time he watched the winter Olympics. He loved them! One Saturday when Sexy was in the garage working on his boat (more post about that later I'm sure) and Sassafras was busy watching the same four shows they repeat on the Disney channel (stop judging me) FP and I were snuggled on the couch watching the winter Olympics. Whatever event we had been watching ended and they cut to the start of the men's 15K mass start biathlon. I don't even understand what I just said exactly but that is what the event was called. So there are all these men who are skiing on cross country skies and they have what appears to be rifles strapped to their backs. We watch for a minute and then FP had a question.

Fighter Pilot: How long do they ski before they can start shooting each other?

I laughed so hard it offended him. The ultimate Olympic sport...where the only one still alive is the winner!

Putting my punks to bed

Bedtime routine is my favorite part of the day. I love that Sassafras and Fighter Pilot are clean and snugly. I love reading to them and having them read to me.

The part that has been complicated lately is the teeth brushing. The kids bathroom in the new house is smaller than in the old house. It is really only holds one person at a time. Since moving we have staggered bedtimes to accommodate the need to have only one person in there at a time. (Also, because Sassafras was offended on a daily basis that she had the same bedtime at a 1st grader and the same bedtime she has had since kindergarten. Nine year olds are so silly!) Sometimes we get backed-up and they both end up in there at the same time.

It is almost always disastrous.


The other night Sassafras was brushing her teeth and Fighter Pilot needed to use the facilities before he got in bed. They were both in the bathroom. I was standing in front of FP's bedroom door waiting to tuck him in and turn out his light. I hear him flush and he came flying down the hall and about the time he gets to me Sassafras makes that sucking wind sound that you make when you just saw something truly terrifying.

Accentia: What? What is it? Are you ok?

Sassafras: Um I'm fine. The toothpaste just got flushed down the toilet.

Apparently, FP had left the counter top wet and slippery when he brushed his teeth, then he used the bathroom and flushed the commode. Next, as if by magic, Sassafras' arm slipped and hit the toothpaste causing it to fly into the toilet just as it was finishing flushing.

As I approached the bathroom I'm preparing myself to reach into the toilet to get the toothpaste. Not sure what I was saving it for because you know it was going straight.to.the.TRASH. But it wasn't in the toilet. Sass wasn't exaggerating when she said that it got flushed DOWN the toilet.

So it turns out a regular size Colgate kid's toothpaste tube goes straight through our plumbing...no worries.

"I'm a pothole"

Geico has this commercial where a pothole talks. The first time I heard it I thought...oh great another hack southern accent. Then someone actually said I sound like that commercial and I thought they were crazytown!

Since then I have been interrupted once in the middle of a story and once at the end of a story by someone saying "I'm a pothole". Completely different group of people and different story same response.

So, I guess I have a hack southern accent!

I am embracing it and can now do the commercial in its entirety. In case you've missed it here is a link.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NjMUfIKktWU

PSHAW

I gained 7.5 lbs in the past two weeks.  I am forgiving myself, putting it behind me and starting anew.

I intentionally ate out of control. I had a little whycan'tieatwhatiwantandjustbefatandhappy pity party. It didn't end well. Honestly, I knew because of work I would not be attending my Weight Watchers meeting last week. Turned out that the meeting got canceled on account of the treacherous weather anywho. I was going to cut myself some slack and indulge a little. One day turned into two...turned into a week turned into two. what.ev.er (Sexy prefers pshaw and I happily indulge)

So here I am. Basically having undone all the weight I lost since the new year.

I am forgiving myself, putting it behind me and starting anew.


For Valentine's Day, Sexy got me the most beautiful roses. They were 100 garden spray roses. Red, orange, yellow, pink, hot pink, and white. They smell wonderful. I love them. He is a wonderful husband and father. I wish he truly knew that because I feel like he questions it sometimes. Though I certainly have my share of days where I don't' feel like I'm a particularly good wife or mother...mine are probably undeserved as well. I got him a trailer dolly. Yes sir, nothing says I love you with all my heart and soul like a trailer dolly.

I am forgiving myself, putting it behind me and starting anew.

I didn't walk on my two week vacation for living a healthier life. I'm back on track though and still planning on walking a 5K with Middle Sister in March.

I am forgiving myself, putting it behind me and starting anew.

I love the Olympics. I love watching it with my kids. K.D. Lang did an awesome job with "Hallelujah" in the opening ceremonies. Sexy hates watching figure skating. I love making him.
Speaking of music this song spoke to me today. It is by a Christian artists named Katy Kinard. You can listen to it on her website: 

http://www.katykinard.com/icws202w3/index.cfm?ID=6D889660-57BE-4A46-914B2AECC2D52772

here

i've never given up so much for you/ i've never been quick to obey/ but this time i knew the voice was you/ and so i gave all i gave/ i’ve heard it said that when you’re needed most, sometimes it seems that you’re not there/ so it’s been hard to love the choice i chose when it seemed to me you’d all but disappeared (ch) but now you’re here just like the sun after the rain/ and now you’re here just like the calm after the waves/ and i don’t mean to sound surprised that you’d be near/ but yesterday i wasn’t sure/ praise God You’re here. i’ve heard that even in the eaglets’ nest, the mother watches when they fall/ and they would never learn to spread their wings if she came right as they called/ ...and so i'm falling in the open sky/ and it's been hard to even breathe/ i've been waiting for a Father's love to carry me/ to carry me (br) and like the years before i met you, you were still there/ ...though it took so long to see you, you were still there/ and you're still here

I am forgiving myself, putting it behind me and starting anew.

10% GOAL...Yes, I DID!!!

I have lost 29 lbs. I achieved my 10% goal this week and I am over the moon! I had some slip ups but I felt like I was going to lose. I didn't know that I was going to lose enough to achieve this milestone.

I have always heard that support is the key and I have to say that I believe that to be true. The Weight Watchers meetings have been very helpful and full of support. At first I honestly thought the meetings were kind of stupid and wasn't sure they were helping although I felt the weekly weight in (read: accountability) was helping. Then I realized that many of the behaviors I was changing were inspired by comments from our lead or other members.

It has also been very helpful that I have a very good friend who is doing WW and she is the one who inspired me to start. We go to the same weekly meeting and walk there together. She has done a phenomenal job with the WW program. She has listened to me moan and bitch and has helped me through those weeks and months where I wasn't losing. She always takes time to help me try and figure out what is causing me to slip up and come up with a plan to not let it keep happening. She is the person who got me to do the detox which I think was a big break through for me in my relationship with food. She is very ambitious and goal oriented...me...not so much. Having her there to help me and check in with me has made a HUGE difference.

My friends, family and co-workers have also been very helpful. I come back from my lunch WW meeting and announce what I lost...or gained as the case may be. They are always there with encouraging words no matter what my announcement is. My family often checks in with me on Wednesday afternoons to see how I did. They too always say the right things...even when I am beating myself up over a loss.

The key difference so far is that I am not giving up. When I have a bad day...or even a bad meal...I start over. I don't dwell. I'm trying to learn not to beat myself up over it. I am persevering. It is marvelous. I am thankful.

I am going to post my bio from my fatsecret.com account bio below which will give you some information about my struggle with my weight. I use it to help me track my points and for support. If you wanna be my buddy just holler and I'll email you my fatsecret name.

I am 33, married and a bonus mom to two children under 10. I am an attorney who luckily works a regular shift. I have struggled with my weight for what seems like my entire life. I was always round. I thought I was fat. I look back now at pictures from elementary school and realize I never was fat. In 7th and 8th grade I was a normal size but all my friends were size 2's or 0's so I was certain I was fat. Then somewhere along the way I actually got fat. By the time I graduated from high school I wore a size 18. I have not achieved any substantial weight loss in my life. I usually give up after a week or two if I don't see the result I want.

This time is different. I am in this for life. I am not dieting. I am learning to change habits and routines. I am using the Weight Watchers program to help me make these changes. I am going to get healthy and happy. My main goal is to get to a weight I feel healthy enough to have a baby. I'm not sure what that weight is yet but I'll let ya know!

Weight Loss Goals:

5% loss (14 lbs.): September 9, 2009
10% goal (28 lbs.): February 3, 2010
15% goal (42 lbs.):

Activity Goals:

I am currently walking. I started the Weight Watchers walking plan three weeks ago and I have been following it and often walking for longer than required. I am walking after work with my kids and dog. We are really enjoying it and I can already feel the difference!

Weight Watcher Wednesday

First, I lost another 2.5 lbs. this week. It is my lowest weight since starting WW. I am less than a lb. away from my 10% goal. I'm having trouble getting excited about it for a couple reasons. First of all I struggled last week and this week isn't any easier. I've always felt like the scale is a week behind my behavior. I am fully expecting to see a gain this week because I know that I ate too much last week. This week isn't much better. The thing I'm learning is that I can't just stop because of a bad day, bad week or even bad month. I know I can do this I just have to keep going back to those things I know work.

I am honestly not doing so great with my eating at night. It has always been a struggle for me. I will continue to try working out the kinks. I am still drinking water but not as much as when I was on the detox. (Sassafras calls it my non-toxic diet...which is accurate and cute!) I am doing good keeping my consumption of sweet tea and cokes to almost nil. I had two cokes last week and two sweet teas. I consider that a victory. I am pretty much in love with steel cut oats and lentil soup. I eat them for breakfast and lunch almost every work day. I make one batch on Sunday and that gives me 4 servings of each.

I've started the WW basic walking plan. I am planning on walking a 5K in March with my sister. I am doing ok with the plan. Not perfect but I am continuing it and hoping to get better at incorporating activity into my lifestyle. One thing I'm learning is to be flexible. I've always felt that in order to exercise "right" I needed to do it in the morning. I will continue to think that but so far the best time to fit it in is right when we get home for the day. I usually give the kids the offer to go with. So far they have accompanied me every time. Unexpected quality time with kids while we all get healthy! BONUS!! So I've decided that I'm totally ok with exercising during that time of day. We will figure out a new plan on days when we have soccer (starts in Feb.) and baseball (starts in April).

In other news:

• I promise to someday actually do my pioneer woman's cinnamon roll post. I'll tell you that the joy shared between my sister, daughter and I while making them was by far the best part. Even better than eating the cinnamon rolls..which means it was GOOD.TIMES!
• Sexy and I are having DATE NIGHT this Friday. I am super excited. I love date night!
• I had never noticed the Leonard Cohen song "Hallelujah" before a contestant sang it, quite beautifully, for her American Idol audition last week. It touched my heart. I'm including the lyrics here for you to enjoy.

"Hallelujah"

Now I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this
The fourth, the fifth
The minor fall, the major lift
The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you
She tied you
To a kitchen chair
She broke your throne, and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Baby I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

There was a time you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah

Weight Watchers Update

I started weight watchers on 6/24/09. As of Wednesday 1/13 I have lost 25 lbs. I wish it was more but I am happy to see it go. After losing 2.5 lbs the week after Christmas I gained 3 lbs the next week. This week I lost 5.25. I am basically back to where I was the first week of November.

I did a detox to help jump start my weight loss and help get me off cokes and sweet tea. I was really tired of drinking my points. The biggest part of the detox (linked below) was cutting out all sugar, all wheat and gluten, all PROCESSED FOODS. I ate a lot of steel cut oats and lentil soup. Recipes linked below. Even more fruit and salads. I drank a lot of water and took a regimen of supplements that included many things I should have been taking anyway. Omegas, vitamin C, probiotics (I do already take one but the detox calls for 2 daily), milk thistle (which dr. oz told Oprah I should be taking this a long time ago) and fiber. I was very tired and very cranky the first three days. After that I felt great. I am hoping to continue some of the things from the detox.

I am going to reduce my processed food intake. I am going to make my lentil soup instead of eating lentil soup from a can. I am going to eat six servings of fruits and veggies a day.I am going to drink mostly water but will allow 100% juice and V-8 and the occasional sweet tea. My goal is to not have more than two non-water drinks a day.

I am tracking everyday. Another thing I finally got back on track during the detox.

detox diet http://www.womentowomen.com/detoxification/detoxdiet.aspx

best lentil soup ever. you can skip the puree step. but don't.  http://find.myrecipes.com/recipes/recipefinder.dyn?action=displayRecipe&recipe_id=1842306

steel cut oats  http://www.supercinski.net/2009/09/steel-cut-oats-recipes/