Lost

I have a post-it attached to my computer screen that says "Possibly Blog Post" at the top and underneath it is a list of things I want to write about but haven't found the time. On the list is "SAD".

There was a moment in February when I kinda fell apart. I just felt like I couldn't function anymore. I had not felt like myself for a while...probably a month or more but couldn't' figure out the problem. It felt like depression but I had only ever experienced situational depression. I couldn't figure it out. I have a great husband, great children, great job, great life but I could only focus on what was wrong with me and my life. I had put on a mask and most didn't even know that anything was wrong with me. There was a day though in February when I just broke. I couldn't fake it anymore. I consulted my google md and discovered that I might have Seasonal Affective Disorder. It fit all my symptoms. My mother has struggled with this and has one of those special lights she uses in the darker months. I was surprised I hadn't thought of is sooner. I felt so much better just having figured it out. It was almost spring. The time was changing. There would be more sunlight and I would be ok.

I would find my joy again. The joy I have in serving my family. In meal planning, grocery shopping and providing my family with nutritious food. In doing laundry and the bedtime routine. The joy I have in Church activities like Bible Study, Sunday School and helping to plan the community Easter sunrise service. The joy I have in watching my children at batting practice and soccer practice. The joy in my everyday life that had been so abundant in the past but seemed to have disappeared. Making those activities a burden. A chore. A yolk.

I had also had some problems with taking my vitamins and medications regularly. Including my thyroid medicine which probably contributed to lack of energy and my anti-depressant...which I don't know might be contributing the THE FREAKING DEPRESSION. (I am actually prescribed the anti-depressant for anxiety but whatever)

So here we are. It is April. I'm still not myself. I'm still not finding my joy. I still can only see what is wrong. What is wrong with me. What I am doing wrong. All the bad things about myself. I'm trying. I swear I am. I'm trying to see the joy.

In case you were wondering I gained last week. I'll probably gain this week to. This is of course on the list of what is wrong with me.

I was watching Oprah last night and she was talking about "Women, Food and God: An Unexpected Path to almost Everything". She was doing an update on a woman who had been on the show 5 years ago after having lost 150 lbs. She had gained it all back and had lost another 100. She and Oprah were talking about how you have to love yourself and your situation as you are right now. At the weight you are right now. The way you are right now. Otherwise you will just continue to gain the weight back. I'm so far from that place it is hard to even imagine it. 

I'm struggling. I know I will be ok but I could use your prayers right now.