I have found that sometimes lyrics say things so much better than I ever could. The lyrics to this song are a perfect example of this.
GLORY BABY by Watermark
Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…
Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…
Friday, November 18, 2011
Monday, November 7, 2011
Silly: the new stage of grief
I've always been silly. I embrace the silly. I love the silly. For some strange reason the silly is stalking me in my grief. So much so that my husband actually asked me if silly was a stage of grief. It isn't for most people but for me apparently it is. Luckily, all those around me love me enough to suffer the silly and understand that it is some sort of way I am processing this deep ache I feel over losing Evie.
My friend Carrie, (a.k.a. my bff from 4th grade) taught me something about grief recently. Well, first I taught her something and then she taught me something. Her niece had a serious car accident over a year ago that resulted in serious injuries including a traumatic brain injury. I taught her that when my Dad had his hunting accident and suffered a traumatic brain injury we had to grieve the loss of the man he was and our planned future with him. We had to do that be able to be present with the man he has become. The man that God blessed us with. She taught me that this grief process isn't linear. You don't' just get to stage 7 (acceptance) and it is all over. You just kinda cycle through it. Sometimes you skip some stages. Sometimes stages last for days or weeks and sometimes they last for minutes. Sometimes they last for months.
If someone were to ask me directly if I had any denial about my baby dying I would say no. But the reality is that sometimes I realize all over again that losing Evie means I don't get a baby on November 24th. It sounds crazy even to say it out loud but I have had moments when I have realized that there won't be any thanksgiving baby and I break down all over again.
The question I get ask most frequently is "How are you doing?" I always say...I'm doing ok. Taking it day by day. That is the the truth. Some days I am so sad I can't get out of bed. Other days I seem fine. Even on the ok days I usually cry all the way home from work. If the circumstances are allowing you to ask the question I'm not in my bed so that must mean I'm having an ok day. I know I will get through this. I know that there are going to brighter days.
My friend Carrie, (a.k.a. my bff from 4th grade) taught me something about grief recently. Well, first I taught her something and then she taught me something. Her niece had a serious car accident over a year ago that resulted in serious injuries including a traumatic brain injury. I taught her that when my Dad had his hunting accident and suffered a traumatic brain injury we had to grieve the loss of the man he was and our planned future with him. We had to do that be able to be present with the man he has become. The man that God blessed us with. She taught me that this grief process isn't linear. You don't' just get to stage 7 (acceptance) and it is all over. You just kinda cycle through it. Sometimes you skip some stages. Sometimes stages last for days or weeks and sometimes they last for minutes. Sometimes they last for months.
If someone were to ask me directly if I had any denial about my baby dying I would say no. But the reality is that sometimes I realize all over again that losing Evie means I don't get a baby on November 24th. It sounds crazy even to say it out loud but I have had moments when I have realized that there won't be any thanksgiving baby and I break down all over again.
The question I get ask most frequently is "How are you doing?" I always say...I'm doing ok. Taking it day by day. That is the the truth. Some days I am so sad I can't get out of bed. Other days I seem fine. Even on the ok days I usually cry all the way home from work. If the circumstances are allowing you to ask the question I'm not in my bed so that must mean I'm having an ok day. I know I will get through this. I know that there are going to brighter days.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Constant Sorrow
Grieving is hard. Hard because sometimes everything feels so normal. Sometimes I can almost forget that I won't be having a Thanksgiving baby. Whenever anyone asked me when I was due I would say November 24th, we will have a lot to be thankful for this year!
Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays. I love it because it is a holiday where you get together with the ones you love and you express your gratitude and there are not gifts. We all just get to be grateful. Oh...and the food is super yummy! I was so excited that Evelyn Grace was going to be born around Thanksgiving. It just seemed so appropriate.
I know that someday when I think of my Evie it won't be all tears. Right now it is just so much sadness. Sometimes it is hard to remember what I'm thankful for. I make myself remember multiple times a day. I thank God for those things...family, friends, beautiful fall days, snuggles at bedtime, the love of a good man.
I am truly thankful that Evie was loved from the moment I knew about her. She brought so much joy into my life and to all those who love me and Ryan. Right now though it is just so sad. I don't want it to be sad. I'm ready to be done with the sad part of grief. I fear I will never stop being sad.
Thanksgiving has always been one of my favorite holidays. I love it because it is a holiday where you get together with the ones you love and you express your gratitude and there are not gifts. We all just get to be grateful. Oh...and the food is super yummy! I was so excited that Evelyn Grace was going to be born around Thanksgiving. It just seemed so appropriate.
I know that someday when I think of my Evie it won't be all tears. Right now it is just so much sadness. Sometimes it is hard to remember what I'm thankful for. I make myself remember multiple times a day. I thank God for those things...family, friends, beautiful fall days, snuggles at bedtime, the love of a good man.
I am truly thankful that Evie was loved from the moment I knew about her. She brought so much joy into my life and to all those who love me and Ryan. Right now though it is just so sad. I don't want it to be sad. I'm ready to be done with the sad part of grief. I fear I will never stop being sad.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Broken Record
I am so desperately tired. I went to the lady doctor and she upped my meds to help with the hormonal crazy. She told me to go to GP to deal with other issues. I have a new GP. I will call him Dr. Laptop. He is very nice and technologically advanced with his fancy laptop and stylus. He ran some labs and we are waiting on the results to figure out what might be causing the fatigue. I feel about a thousand times better mentally. Not sure if that is the upped meds or some hormonal stability that accompanies this time period in my cycle. Either way I'm grateful for the good mood and positive outlook. Now if can just get some energy things will be all better!
Weight Watcher Wednesday
I lost 4.5 lbs. I'm slowly making my way back to the lowest weight I attained at WW. I am 8.75 lbs. away. I'm done beating myself up over it. Just focusing on the things I'm doing right. My goal this week is to track everything I eat and to eat 5 servings from the fruit and veggie group daily.
In other news...
This is a conversation I had with Fighter Pilot the other day:
Accentia: Your first bonus spelling word is butterfly. Butterfly is a compound word.
Fighter Pilot: B-U-T-T-E-R (imitating a fly buzzing around our living room) F-L-Y.
A: Great! You second bonus word is insect.
FP: Insect is a compound word too! I-N (pointing between his legs) SEX (literally rolling on the floor laughing)
I had to laugh I couldn't help myself!
Weight Watcher Wednesday
I lost 4.5 lbs. I'm slowly making my way back to the lowest weight I attained at WW. I am 8.75 lbs. away. I'm done beating myself up over it. Just focusing on the things I'm doing right. My goal this week is to track everything I eat and to eat 5 servings from the fruit and veggie group daily.
In other news...
This is a conversation I had with Fighter Pilot the other day:
Accentia: Your first bonus spelling word is butterfly. Butterfly is a compound word.
Fighter Pilot: B-U-T-T-E-R (imitating a fly buzzing around our living room) F-L-Y.
A: Great! You second bonus word is insect.
FP: Insect is a compound word too! I-N (pointing between his legs) SEX (literally rolling on the floor laughing)
I had to laugh I couldn't help myself!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
I get by with a little help from my friends...and family
Hormones. Man.They.Suck.
I feel so much better today it is ridiculous. I knew hormones were playing a part in what was going on the past two days but I wasn't giving them enough credit. Having said that I am headed to my lady doctor tomorrow to discuss some treatment options. I have pretty bad PMS...might even be PMDD. I discussed this with my lady doctor the last time I saw her and we upped my dosage of my anti-depressant that week to see if that would do the trick. It appears not to be willing to even attempt the trick!
I clearly have had some depression this year that I am not used to experiencing. I seem to be able to tolerate it most days. Other days not so much. I am also going to have her run some thyroid test because my lack of energy has also been overwhelming and I don't' know whether it is related to the depression or the thyroid disorder. We shall see. I was telling Middle Sister that most days I can keep my negative self-talk in check but on bad days it kind of spirals. She said I might want to start by changing my tag line from "doing it wrong since 1976" to something more..I don't know...positive. I took down the negative and am trying to think of something to replace it.
Yesterday my work family, Middle Sister and Sexy pulled me through. I have said a special prayer of thanks to God for them. I am so grateful to have a support system. If your reading this...thank you so much! You will never know how much your kind words helped me in my time of need.
Weight Watchers Update
SURPRISE!!! I lost 2.25lbs this week. I tracked about half the time. I had a miniature Reece cup incident involving plastic eggs and a sever lack of discipline and I made The Pioneer Woman's mashed potatoes for Easter at my Mom's. I've linked the recipe. It is not point friendly. It is however the.best.mashed.potatoes.ever! Sexy peeled 10 lbs. of potatoes. He loves me. I love him. While he was standing over the sink peeling I told him that he had never looked more sexy. Honest!
One interesting thing about the past two days is that I stayed on points (OP). It is usually the first thing to go. I'm glad it didn't work out that way this time. Weight Watchers is having a walking challenge that culminates in walking a 5K on 6/6/10. Middle Sister and I are going to do it together. Hopefully this will help me get back into the moderate activity that really helps me stay on track.
Middle Sister is doing WW online. It has been fun to have that be one more thing we can talk about. She is having success and I am very proud of her. She said something to me last week that really helped. She told me to remember the reason I started all this in the first place. Which is so I can have a baby. It has really helped me to stay focused. Thanks Middle Sister!
Also I've been getting daily tip of the day via email from PeerTrainer. Great info and it seems like a great program.
I feel so much better today it is ridiculous. I knew hormones were playing a part in what was going on the past two days but I wasn't giving them enough credit. Having said that I am headed to my lady doctor tomorrow to discuss some treatment options. I have pretty bad PMS...might even be PMDD. I discussed this with my lady doctor the last time I saw her and we upped my dosage of my anti-depressant that week to see if that would do the trick. It appears not to be willing to even attempt the trick!
I clearly have had some depression this year that I am not used to experiencing. I seem to be able to tolerate it most days. Other days not so much. I am also going to have her run some thyroid test because my lack of energy has also been overwhelming and I don't' know whether it is related to the depression or the thyroid disorder. We shall see. I was telling Middle Sister that most days I can keep my negative self-talk in check but on bad days it kind of spirals. She said I might want to start by changing my tag line from "doing it wrong since 1976" to something more..I don't know...positive. I took down the negative and am trying to think of something to replace it.
Yesterday my work family, Middle Sister and Sexy pulled me through. I have said a special prayer of thanks to God for them. I am so grateful to have a support system. If your reading this...thank you so much! You will never know how much your kind words helped me in my time of need.
Weight Watchers Update
SURPRISE!!! I lost 2.25lbs this week. I tracked about half the time. I had a miniature Reece cup incident involving plastic eggs and a sever lack of discipline and I made The Pioneer Woman's mashed potatoes for Easter at my Mom's. I've linked the recipe. It is not point friendly. It is however the.best.mashed.potatoes.ever! Sexy peeled 10 lbs. of potatoes. He loves me. I love him. While he was standing over the sink peeling I told him that he had never looked more sexy. Honest!
One interesting thing about the past two days is that I stayed on points (OP). It is usually the first thing to go. I'm glad it didn't work out that way this time. Weight Watchers is having a walking challenge that culminates in walking a 5K on 6/6/10. Middle Sister and I are going to do it together. Hopefully this will help me get back into the moderate activity that really helps me stay on track.
Middle Sister is doing WW online. It has been fun to have that be one more thing we can talk about. She is having success and I am very proud of her. She said something to me last week that really helped. She told me to remember the reason I started all this in the first place. Which is so I can have a baby. It has really helped me to stay focused. Thanks Middle Sister!
Also I've been getting daily tip of the day via email from PeerTrainer. Great info and it seems like a great program.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Lost
I have a post-it attached to my computer screen that says "Possibly Blog Post" at the top and underneath it is a list of things I want to write about but haven't found the time. On the list is "SAD".
There was a moment in February when I kinda fell apart. I just felt like I couldn't function anymore. I had not felt like myself for a while...probably a month or more but couldn't' figure out the problem. It felt like depression but I had only ever experienced situational depression. I couldn't figure it out. I have a great husband, great children, great job, great life but I could only focus on what was wrong with me and my life. I had put on a mask and most didn't even know that anything was wrong with me. There was a day though in February when I just broke. I couldn't fake it anymore. I consulted my google md and discovered that I might have Seasonal Affective Disorder. It fit all my symptoms. My mother has struggled with this and has one of those special lights she uses in the darker months. I was surprised I hadn't thought of is sooner. I felt so much better just having figured it out. It was almost spring. The time was changing. There would be more sunlight and I would be ok.
I would find my joy again. The joy I have in serving my family. In meal planning, grocery shopping and providing my family with nutritious food. In doing laundry and the bedtime routine. The joy I have in Church activities like Bible Study, Sunday School and helping to plan the community Easter sunrise service. The joy I have in watching my children at batting practice and soccer practice. The joy in my everyday life that had been so abundant in the past but seemed to have disappeared. Making those activities a burden. A chore. A yolk.
I had also had some problems with taking my vitamins and medications regularly. Including my thyroid medicine which probably contributed to lack of energy and my anti-depressant...which I don't know might be contributing the THE FREAKING DEPRESSION. (I am actually prescribed the anti-depressant for anxiety but whatever)
So here we are. It is April. I'm still not myself. I'm still not finding my joy. I still can only see what is wrong. What is wrong with me. What I am doing wrong. All the bad things about myself. I'm trying. I swear I am. I'm trying to see the joy.
In case you were wondering I gained last week. I'll probably gain this week to. This is of course on the list of what is wrong with me.
I was watching Oprah last night and she was talking about "Women, Food and God: An Unexpected Path to almost Everything". She was doing an update on a woman who had been on the show 5 years ago after having lost 150 lbs. She had gained it all back and had lost another 100. She and Oprah were talking about how you have to love yourself and your situation as you are right now. At the weight you are right now. The way you are right now. Otherwise you will just continue to gain the weight back. I'm so far from that place it is hard to even imagine it.
I'm struggling. I know I will be ok but I could use your prayers right now.
There was a moment in February when I kinda fell apart. I just felt like I couldn't function anymore. I had not felt like myself for a while...probably a month or more but couldn't' figure out the problem. It felt like depression but I had only ever experienced situational depression. I couldn't figure it out. I have a great husband, great children, great job, great life but I could only focus on what was wrong with me and my life. I had put on a mask and most didn't even know that anything was wrong with me. There was a day though in February when I just broke. I couldn't fake it anymore. I consulted my google md and discovered that I might have Seasonal Affective Disorder. It fit all my symptoms. My mother has struggled with this and has one of those special lights she uses in the darker months. I was surprised I hadn't thought of is sooner. I felt so much better just having figured it out. It was almost spring. The time was changing. There would be more sunlight and I would be ok.
I would find my joy again. The joy I have in serving my family. In meal planning, grocery shopping and providing my family with nutritious food. In doing laundry and the bedtime routine. The joy I have in Church activities like Bible Study, Sunday School and helping to plan the community Easter sunrise service. The joy I have in watching my children at batting practice and soccer practice. The joy in my everyday life that had been so abundant in the past but seemed to have disappeared. Making those activities a burden. A chore. A yolk.
I had also had some problems with taking my vitamins and medications regularly. Including my thyroid medicine which probably contributed to lack of energy and my anti-depressant...which I don't know might be contributing the THE FREAKING DEPRESSION. (I am actually prescribed the anti-depressant for anxiety but whatever)
So here we are. It is April. I'm still not myself. I'm still not finding my joy. I still can only see what is wrong. What is wrong with me. What I am doing wrong. All the bad things about myself. I'm trying. I swear I am. I'm trying to see the joy.
In case you were wondering I gained last week. I'll probably gain this week to. This is of course on the list of what is wrong with me.
I was watching Oprah last night and she was talking about "Women, Food and God: An Unexpected Path to almost Everything". She was doing an update on a woman who had been on the show 5 years ago after having lost 150 lbs. She had gained it all back and had lost another 100. She and Oprah were talking about how you have to love yourself and your situation as you are right now. At the weight you are right now. The way you are right now. Otherwise you will just continue to gain the weight back. I'm so far from that place it is hard to even imagine it.
I'm struggling. I know I will be ok but I could use your prayers right now.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Melting
I have this habit of using a word to describe something that is not entirely accurate and also not a common use of the word but it fits the situation. This is similar to my habit of breaking into non-specific accents for absolutely no reason. These habits might be the reason my Mom started calling me eccentric at the ripe age of 26. I don't always make these things up...actually I often hear someone say them and just glom onto them and keep them forever.
I've discussed before that if someone in my house has a fever I say they are "on fire". This actually started on a trip to the ER at our local children's hospital where there were several newborns who were so read and feverish they looked like they were on fire.
When children are fit pitching snotty slobbering messes I say they are "melting".
Sassafras melted yesterday after soccer practice. She is 9 so I feel comfortable dropping her off and picking her up when I have things that require my presence at home. Yesterday the soccer field was a wet mess so they did drills in the parking lot. Drills to help them improve on ball handling and endurance. I think there was lots of running and jumping and unlike when they are actually playing soccer there was not much standing around catching your breath. In her defense she has been sick since Friday and I considered keeping her home from practice. I picked her up and she was a hot mess. Her hair was soaking wet and her face was bright red. As soon as she saw me she melted. Just dissolved into a heap of sobs. Once she was able to cool down she told me she was just overly hot and exhausted from the practice. This was my and Sexy's conversation about the whole ordeal.
Accentia: Sassafras was a sobbing mess when I picked her up from soccer practice.
Sexy: What happened?
Accentia: Well she said she was just hot and tired. After I got her calmed down and cooled off I quizzed her to make sure that was it. Did something happen at practice. Did someone do something or say something? Did you get hurt? She maintained that it was just a hot and tired thing *shrugs* (which is completely ineffective to convey anything when you are talking on the phone)
Sexy: She's a cryer
Accentia: I know...I can't relate.
I've discussed before that if someone in my house has a fever I say they are "on fire". This actually started on a trip to the ER at our local children's hospital where there were several newborns who were so read and feverish they looked like they were on fire.
When children are fit pitching snotty slobbering messes I say they are "melting".
Sassafras melted yesterday after soccer practice. She is 9 so I feel comfortable dropping her off and picking her up when I have things that require my presence at home. Yesterday the soccer field was a wet mess so they did drills in the parking lot. Drills to help them improve on ball handling and endurance. I think there was lots of running and jumping and unlike when they are actually playing soccer there was not much standing around catching your breath. In her defense she has been sick since Friday and I considered keeping her home from practice. I picked her up and she was a hot mess. Her hair was soaking wet and her face was bright red. As soon as she saw me she melted. Just dissolved into a heap of sobs. Once she was able to cool down she told me she was just overly hot and exhausted from the practice. This was my and Sexy's conversation about the whole ordeal.
Accentia: Sassafras was a sobbing mess when I picked her up from soccer practice.
Sexy: What happened?
Accentia: Well she said she was just hot and tired. After I got her calmed down and cooled off I quizzed her to make sure that was it. Did something happen at practice. Did someone do something or say something? Did you get hurt? She maintained that it was just a hot and tired thing *shrugs* (which is completely ineffective to convey anything when you are talking on the phone)
Sexy: She's a cryer
Accentia: I know...I can't relate.
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